Step One

So remember I talked about the book I am reading called He Did Deliver Me From Bondage? I started reading it to help me on my path to self-mastery, well I picked it back up again and finished the journaling for Step One. It wasn't easy at all. I tried to read with the assumption that everything in the book could apply to me but I often found myself wondering if it really did or then I found myself thinking well maybe it does and I just don't see it or maybe I am just too prideful to fess up.
Anyway I thought I would share some thoughts from the book and some of my own thoughts as well. Some of what I wrote may seem a little scattered but I was just reading and writing down the things that stood out to me and my feelings as they came. Sorry it is so long. I think I type these things out more for my own benefit anyway. Reading it again reinforces what I have learned.
The book gives you daily scriptures to read with writing assignments for each day. It breaks each step into one week of assignments. I found that there was no way I could just do one day because I needed some sort of closure or goal so I did a whole week at once.

Step One- Admitted we ourselves are powerless- nothing without God (Mosiah 4:5, Alma 26:12)

Day One- 2 Nephi 9:39- "To be carnally minded is death and to be spiritually minded is life eternal"
The dictionary defines carnal as in or of the flesh, bodily, material or worldly- not spiritual
The assignment was to write about an area of your life in which you are guilty of being carnally minded in regard to seeking solutions to your problems. My first thoughts were does this mean that looking anywhere other then prayer/scriptures/prophets/church leaders is being carnally minded? Honestly I don't think so. I think there is a lot of very good advise out there. My second thought was I don't consider myself to be carnally minded when it comes to finding answers to my problems. I know where I should look- I guess my biggest issue is sometimes I don't look at all.

Day Two- 2 Nephi 12:11- "And it shall come to pass that the lofty looks of man shall be humbled, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day"
The book says that because we usually try to overcome our weaknesses alone we fail. The assignment was to write about a problem you have tried to solve yourself and how that worked out for you. The second part of the assignment was to write what you think "the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day" means.
Wow these questions really cut you to the quick. I can't really think of a specific problem that I have tried to solve on my own but I know that when it comes to raising my kids I don't always lean on the Lord like I should- not because I don't think I need his help but because I get caught up in the moment and for whatever reason I forget who I am and who they are- I become defensive and reactive. I also have never figured out how to make family scripture study and prayer a priority. It is something that weighs heavy on my mind but we have only managed to do sporadically in the almost 13 years since I joined the church. I often wonder if I would be having half the problems I am if were doing this consistently. The older my kids get the more I worry that I haven't laid a solid foundation for them. I study the scriptures and I try to teach them what is right but I wish I would have started a pattern of study and prayer with them when they were small. I am totally off track from the original question but I guess when it comes down to it the problems I am facing I haven't truly relied on the Lord to help me overcome. I don't think I really know how. That is really what I am searching for. The process or the way to truly rely on the Lord and to shape my will to His.
As for what I think the scripture means when it talks about the Lord alone being exalted in that day- wow I really don't know. Maybe it means that the only way to be exalted is through Him. I am very interested to find out how this scripture applies to setting and making goals and relying on the Lord.

Day Three 2 Nephi 31:19- "For ye have not come thus far save it were by the WORD OF CHRIST with UNSHAKEN FAITH IN HIM relying WHOLLY upon the MERITS of HIM who is mighty to SAVE."
The assignment had to do asking yourself if you or anyone else has every blamed your problems on low self esteem. I have never thought of myself as having low self esteem just low self control but the more I think about it I do often feel like I don't have the skills I need to be a good parent. I am often down on myself for the way I handle situations with my kids and blame myself for the poor choices they make. This scripture teaches again that we cannot rely on self. In other words there is no such thing as low self esteem there is only not enough esteem in the Lord. I may not have the skills needed to be the parent that I would like to be but if I can WHOLLY rely on HIS MERITS then He will make up the difference. I am starting to know what I need but how do I get it? How do I rely on His merits.

Day Four- Mosiah 2:21- "I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another- I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.
Assignment- Does this scripture bring you despair or relief?
For me it is definitely relief to know that He is there supporting me form one moment to another.

Day Five- Alma 26:12- "Yea I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak, therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God for in HIS strength I can do all things; yea behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land , for which we will praise his name forever."
The book says "Many things in the world promise personal power- these things do not improve our relationship with the Lord or help us solve our problems."

Day Six- Heleman 12:7- "O how great is the nothingness of the children of men, yea even they are less then the dust of the earth."
Children of Men= those who have not yet been born of God and become his sons and daughters
Mosiah 27:25 says when we are born of God and changed from our carnal and fallen state we become sons and daughters of God. Heleman 12:6 says we need to follow his counsels and have him for our guide and acknowledge his goodness and mercy.

Day Seven- Moses 1:10- "And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man, and he said unto himself, Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed."
These scriptures are intended to help me realize that I need His help- I don't see myself as resisting that help or trying to lean on my own understanding- so my question still is HOW??? How do I truly humble myself. That is what I don't know. That is what I need to find out in order to reach my goals.

At this point I couldn't put the book down because I needed to find the how. The next chapter talks about the previous weeks assignments and helps you to apply them to your life. It talks about how no power is given to any of us that not a gift from God. It goes through the times in the Book of Mormon when the people begin to be prideful because they though their riches and success came because of their own industry. It talks about Korihor and how he convinced the people that it was man's own genius/strength/management of self that determined how one fared in life. This kind of belief/action is what brings us into bondage. There is no such thing as self-reliance when it comes to salvation.
Alma 37:37 says to council with the Lord in all thy doings.
This next quote really stood out to me
"TRUE SELF MASTERY COMES FROM TURNING OURSELVES OVER TO THE MASTER."
How? How? How?
It sounds like the right thing to do. I can feel the truth of the statement but how do I get there? I feel like reading this whole book at once to find out what I need to do to empower my life. As I read through the scriptures the book points out I am realizing that I have each and every one of them marked already in my scriptures. They have stood out to me at some point in my reading but somehow I haven't made the real connection. I haven't completely applied them to my life.
Moroni 10:32- "Yea come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourself all ungodliness: and if ye shall deny yourself all ungodliness, and love God with all your might mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ and if by the grace of God you are perfect in Christ, ye can nowise deny the power of God."
My hand hurts but I feel so desperate for the answers I am looking for that I want to/need to go on. I have been terrible about working on my goal of not yelling. I feel like I am yelling even more then ever. I often feel like a child fighting with her siblings when I try and deal with my kids. I don't feel like I am respected as a parent and that is a very hopeless feeling sometimes. I need to find a way- His way- the only way- to make things better.
There are three really awesome quotes from General Authority. I am not going to write them all down but I would like to read them again.
Since I am now typing this out and my hand has somewhat recovered I think I will put the quotes here.
" If we increase our dependence on anything or anyone except the Lord, we will find an immediate decrease in our freedom to act." L. Tom Perry, Ensign, Nov 1991, p.65

"We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives." Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p.4

"Yet no matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief- though a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one- no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments." Richard G Scott, Ensign, May 1994, p.7

1 Nephi 10:6- lost and fallen forever save they should rely on the Redeemer
The book points out that a broken and contrite spirit will happen somehow because we have to know of the reality of Christ- exalted in that day- THE DAY WE KNOW HIM- sure knowledge. Which comes through humility.
Again I am asking myself how do I get there. That is what I am trying to figure out. How do I become humble- how do I truly know the Lord- how do I rely on Him????
The book talks about Enos- we need to have an intense hunger like he did. Then the promises in Ether 12:27 about weaknesses becoming strengths can be ours. Mosiah 11:21 says that if we don't repent and turn to the Lord we will be brought into bondage. The book points out that often times we become ignorant or complacent toward the enemies for our spiritual life. Those enemies are fear, resentment, guilt, sorrows. We choose to hide or cover them with behaviors rather then confront them. Repent.
Alma 32:6- Afflictions humble us- prepare us to hear the word.
Heleman 3:27- "Thus we see that the Lord is merciful unto all those who will IN THE SINCERITY OF THEIR HEARTS call upon his Holy name."
This means we call on him like there is no other resort- like if a loved one was dying. I have prayed like that. I know what those kind of prayers feel like- but the book is right it has been in situations that were SO BIG and SO TRAUMATIC that I knew there was no other resort but God.
The book says these prayers are like "Every word every emotion was being ripped straight out of our deepest most central inner place- our heart"
Okay I am getting it now!!! Doing this every day is where true humility comes from. If we repent and pray facing life like we would pray facing death then we will be able to become humble and rely on His strength and release ourselves from bondage.

It seems so simple and yet the intensity of it seems almost overwhelming- but the promises are what I need- weaknesses made strengths, mercy, the ability to do all things, perfection- so I am going to start today.


Stay tuned for Step Two- Came to believe that God has all power and all wisdom and that in His strength we can do all things (Mosiah 4:9, Alma 26:12)

*edited to add a link to the website where you can order the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage."
http://www.heart-t-heart.org/