so much to say

Since I didn't want my 100th post to be about Idol I figured I better post something today. I had some adorable pictures of my niece in her DUKE jersey that I wanted to share but unfortunately her daddy didn't appreciate them as much as I did and deleted them from my camera. Don't worry I have plans to take more. I also taught her how to say GO DUKE and DUKE is #1. Much better then hearing her say Duke is poopy. Her dad taught her that. I wonder how he feels sleeping in Allias' bedroom with Duke memorabilia all around him. Maybe I should get some pictures of that too.

Anyway on to my 100th post. I have been reading the guest posts over at Mormon Mommy Blogs about raising teenagers and wow there are some brilliant, insightful moms out there. I encourage every one who is the mother of teenagers or may someday be to check it out. The post there today was exactly what I needed to lift me up and give me the courage to face another day.

A lot of you know how much we struggle with our oldest son. I often wonder if anyone really understands what we are going through though. If anyone can really imagine the anguish I feel over this child. Tyler is Bipolar. This is his 7th diagnosis but the 1st that actually fits but I am no longer shocked by how little mental illness is understood- even by those who claim to be "professionals". We are in the process of looking yet again for someone to help Tyler in his struggle.
I have learned many lessons from being his mother and hope to learn many more. I hope I am learning all my Heavenly Father wants me to. I think I know maybe just a little of what He feels when His children make choices that drive them away from happiness. It kind of feels like someone is jumping up and down on your chest. Breathing becomes difficult and sometimes even standing up straight is hard to do. And as much as you are angry and hurt and bewildered your heart just wants to burst from the love you feel for this crazy, defiant, reckless child who seems determined to ruin his own life. You want to shake him and scream in his face one minute and the next you wish he would just let you hold him in your arms. You wonder why he can't just learn from the mistakes you made? Why does he need to make his own? And there is so much regret. So much looking back and wondering what more could have been done. It is so hard to let go. To let God's will be done.
I know that Jesus Christ atoned for this child of mine. I know that He is the only one who truly knows my child and that He is the one that can help him but it is sooo hard to let that knowledge govern the choices you make every day, every hour, every minute.
When Tyler was about 3 he got the stomach flu. It was Halloween. Our home teachers called and asked if they could come visit. I told them Tyler was sick. They asked if they could come and give him a blessing. Travis was inactive and the time and I had been a member about five months.
I could go into a HUGE long history of all the medical problems Tyler had as an infant/toddler but that would take more time then you or I have. Let's just say he was a very sick baby, but by the time he was three he was doing a lot better physically but continuing to experience emotional difficulties and had trouble sleeping. He was going to a preschool for children with special needs and we were struggling to find answers.
My home teachers came over and laid their hands upon his head and gave him a blessing. In all the blessings members of my family have been given over the years there are only one or two things I really remember. I have remembered this particular thing that was said to my son when he was just three years old over and over again. "We live in a day of great medical and scientific advances. New discoveries are being made all the time, but we also live in a day when the Priesthood reigns on the earth and some day all the problems you face will be on the back burner of your life."
I am holding onto that promise.
I am working on the only salvation I have any control over (my own) and trying to be happy and faithful in spite of my trials. I am so thankful for my AMAZING family and friends and for my Savior. I know that His strength is sufficient for all who lay their burdens at His feet.

How thankful I am for this amazing Gospel.